Back to the years 2013 to 2018, I was very confident about the whole me. I have acne, I was very thin, I have darker skin than today, I have my “pango” nose, and I have a huge head. I walk in the school’s hallway very confident as if I was in a catwalk even other people noticed that and they always tell to me, “wow! model!” and “Cassandra, sample ng lakad,” which boost my confidence more.
After transferring to another school to take STEM, I gained a lot of weight because I was forced to eat huge meals by my parents because they thought that I might lose more weight due to stress when the classes start. I gained more weight due to stress eating, by the way, during my first year in senior high. I became quiet and shy because I was in a new environment. I was slowly but, surely adjusting and adapting to my new school and slowly, I became comfortable because the people in my new school are very hospitable.
Fast forward to 2019. I experienced my greatest acne breakout. I cannot go outside my house without wearing a mask. I attended classes with a mask and I cannot eat my lunch comfortably because I was so afraid that my classmates would see my acne when I remove my mask. So, I only put my mask down whenever I have to swallow my food then put my mask up again when chewing the food.
In the year 2020, I started seeing my negative self-image since it was lockdown, and almost every hour I look in the mirror to see myself. At first, I felt pretty but as the days go by, I started seeing myself ugly until I almost reach my bottom which is when I started hiding from my social media, however, I keep on trying to push myself, lift myself up again because I know I am not someone who gives up, I know I am not ‘just’ someone, and I know I am more than what I was thinking. I kept on working out, studying, trying out skincare products that would work on me, learning how to use makeup, and staying away from social media to keep my peace of mind.
But, it was not just that. There are other factors that affected how I think of myself which keeps on pulling me down. It was very hard and tiring. I kept on crying every day and night. I was not good enough for myself. I kept on comparing myself to other people. I kept on pressuring myself to be better in my studies, my body, my career, basically, my whole life. I was at the most bottom part of my life.
One thing I kept during those times that I am very proud of myself was to hold onto my faith. It truly solves everything.
Now, I am at my healthiest state that I could say. I am very comfortable with my body, I am keeping up on my academics, I am at the first level of career, I started seeing the path for me, and I know that I am getting myself back again.
With acne, having fats, and being comfortable with my whole body makes me physically attractive to myself. I do not know what other people would see me if I am physically attractive or not. But, I know to myself that I am. I am happy with what I see every day in the mirror and in pictures. However, if I was given a chance to change something on my body was my eyelids and my nose because those are the parts of my body I am insecure about though I am working on loving these two.
Your physical health is important but keep in mind that your mental health is also important because it would affect you on how you look into yourself.
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