My life has been through in these past months. I got scared by the thoughts that have been swallowing me in these 6 months of lockdown. But, I know from the very start that something is wrong. I tried to find myself some peace of mind alone. I started my art account to escape and improve how I view myself. In the beginning, everything felt great. My friends supported me and I gained friends online from the art community on different social media platforms. But, I still felt that I wasn’t enough and that’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me
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I felt like I have to be approved by everyone. I wanted to be noticed by all of my mutual. I wanted to be very close to those people so I kept on interacting with them online. I reacted and commented on every post I see as much as possible. I kept on messaging them and tried to bond with them through video chatting. I kept on doing those stuff to impress everyone until someone who is important to my life started to fade away. Every morning that I wake up felt like a pain in the chest but, my thought was always like that I don’t need someone to lift me up because I can do that to myself. With that mindset, I passed through those challenges that I have been through.
I became a women empowerment mental health advocate. I might not be at my best during those times when I started advocating but, it helped me to be better. It helped me push myself to be a better advocate and feel better with myself alone.
I started telling people about how I feel about myself and about other individuals. I let my feelings out and started talking about my anxieties. Never have I ever felt this good. All of the burden and pain on my chest went ease.
As much as possible, I control my anger. The morning after opening up my anxiety, I felt mad. It was the very first time I felt mad. As days go by, the anger that I felt disappeared. Unsolved problems in past will be carried to your present that is why a few days ago, I felt that anger, again. What I did was that I said everything that I felt with all of the thoughts that were left in my mind and in my heart. I talked to someone heart-to-heart to solve the issue that kept dragging us apart. It wasn’t easy because what I said might have hurt that person and the anxiety passed through my mind, again, but I felt fine just a few minutes and slept peacefully. I felt even better even though I said hurtful facts. What I have experienced made me stronger than before. And, my life became better and happy.
I have my family, my friends, and myself but, most importantly, I have God who guided me through these challenges.
I thank everyone who helped me, who I talked to me even on late nights, who stayed by my side, who showed to myself that I am enough, and who gave love to me.
Prayer is the key that I used to pass that phase and will always be the key to everything. God holds me to fight and that’s what I did. I listened and followed His words that kept me standing.
Remember that when you feel alone, you have God. Hold onto Him, and everything will be fine. You just have to keep moving forward.
– Cassandra Alfonso
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